by Will Durst

Time for a few choice words for the not- so-dearly departed year of 2017. And those words are… “You sucked. Go away. Stay there. Keep it moving odd-numbered year. Don’t linger. No dawdling. Forget about sticking around to watch us shudder whenever the sight of something orange triggers a flashback. Bury your shadow in a deep dark cave. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”

The beginning of January is when America dons its rose-colored glasses and anticipates wondrous possibilities in the future pages of our new calendar. So now let us forecast a few of the fabulous events in store for the next 12 months. You can call them predictions, prognostications or prophecies, but here at Durstco we prefer to think of them as dead solid certain sure things.

In the year 2018:

Kellyanne Conway will top the bestseller lists with a book titled, “How to Lie Out of Both Sides of Your Two Faces Even When People are Watching.”

In response to another school shooting, the NRA calls for the closing of all schools.

Robert Mueller announces that he has discovered a secret panel in Vice President Mike Pence’s head that is directly controlled by a Siberian bear trainer.

Hillary Clinton, after 18 months of twice-daily therapy sessions, finally allows herself to let it go.

Donald John Trump continues cutting programs for the poor so rich people can have more money. Through a series of tragic financial reversals, the 45th President dies destitute.

Mitch McConnell’s face actually does freeze like that.

The internet becomes so user-friendly, trend-setting techies find themselves superfluous and go back to being annoying nerds living in their parents’ basements.

The airline industry is revolutionized by the introduction of discount tickets that require passengers to pedal.

Disney purchases Fox News and children in Disneyland are treated to character breakfasts with their favorite right wing talk show hosts. Sean Hannity is especially popular as Goofy.

LeBron James is voted the best middle linebacker in the NBA.

A 400-pound fat guy on a couch goes on The View to apologize for hacking the 2016 election. Although expressing sincere regret, Joy Behar still beats him senseless with a chair leg.

The stock price of Purdue Pharma crashes, after it is revealed their new drug to combat PTSD (President Trump Stress Disorder) is simply double strength OxyContin.

After heading in multiple directions, the Democratic Party finally buys a compass and sets it to the polar opposite of Donald Trump, helplessly collapsing in a heap after taking six steps.

After Steve Bannon is dismissed then rehabilitated in the eyes of Donald Trump 14 separate times he secures a lucrative sponsorship deal with Duncan Yoyos.

Michael Wolff writes a best selling sequel to “Fire and Fury” called “No, Really, I’m Telling You, He’s Bat Guano Crazy.”

Every single athlete at the Winter Olympics is disqualified when tests reveal the South Korean snow is laced with sake.

Ivanka Trump polishes her Oval Office bonafides by loop watching Gary Oldman in “The Darkest Hour” in order to imitate his growl. Jared finds it sexy.

Oprah loses 30 pounds.

In the wake of a D.C. blizzard, all non-essential federal workers are encouraged to stay home and nobody in the White House reports to work. Including The Donald. No one notices.

WILL DURST is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” please visit willdurst.com.